The Umpty-umph Town Meeting, Joined in Progress
River Creek--The River Creek Council met Wednesday at 7:00 P.M. at Mavis Beaber's Bar, Grill, and Newsstand in lieu of the Village Hall, which, of course, is still being fumigated from the last City Council meeting. Before taking up the gavel, Mayor Daniel Summers noted that the skunk problem was being resolved. Councilman Hiram Weatherall took umbrage, until he was reminded of the skunk family residing under the Hall floor. The skunk family had taken umbrage to all of the proceedings overhead. The meeting that night involved an animated discussion of the restoration of the Village Downtown, which involved a certain amount of yelling and foot stomping.
A roll call was taken. All council members were present, except for John James, who had died last Spring. Mayor Summers apologized to the Widow once again for forgetting. A local wag pointed out loudly that the Village Council was actually five and one half members, Councilwoman LaKiesha Andrews being seven months pregnant. The wag was suppressed forcefully by Councilwoman Andrews' husband, Samuel, the Village Police Force and Fire Chief. Mrs. Andrews is somewhat sensitive of her enlarged condition. In addition to the obvious, she has a difficulty in reaching a computer keyboard in her role as Chief Systems Analyst at a major corporation, the name of which she still will not divulge to this reporter..
Mayor Andrews called the meeting to order at 7:10, as soon as Councilman Hiram Weatherall returned from one of Mavis' back rooms. He was reminded once again that the meeting started at seven, not before, as it seems he had been sitting in the Bar since five, quaffing some of Mavis' liqueurs. He took the reminder with ill grace, and sat with his nose pressed somewhere near the tabletop for the rest of the evening, emerging occasionally to make a point in the discussion, whether it made sense or not. This reporter sat nervously downwind of Hiram, and decided he was somewhat worse the wear for the wait..
The first issue was raised, that being the discussion of the repaving of Main Street. Councilman Lazarus Nelson pointed out that the previous winter had been rough on the road. Sub-zero temperatures and freezing rain had caused a number of dips and potholes. Nelson himself testified that he witnessed a Geo Metro and a Volkswagen disappear into one large hole. (The Buick Century he saw still had half the car sticking out, so it didn't count.) He noted that the hole in front of his house contained lake trout, which caused a ripple of interest and sidelong glances among the male members of the audience. .
Councilwoman Joanne Long proclaimed that she thought that Lazarus exaggerated quite a bit. Besides, she believed it was bluegill, not trout, in front of Nelson's house. .
Councilman Weatherall noted that the pattern in the table in front of his nose looked exactly like Abraham Lincoln. This, not being relevant to the discussion, was stricken from the official record..
Over the objections of certain known members of the audience, the Council agreed to take up the problem at some unknown future date, the balance in the village coffers being $2.98 and a few penny slugs that Village Treasurer Ava James keeps in the bottom right drawer of her desk..
Paul Travis, landfill operator, offered some of his stock, the declaration of which silenced the audience, some with a sick expression on their faces. Hiram Weatherall then noted that he was wrong, the pattern was that of George Washington, the pattern of gum under the table was that of Lincoln. Mayor Summers ordered the last two comments struck from the records, over Paul Travis' objections. Mayor Summers noted quite correctly that Travis had no basis for an objection, not being a member of the Council..
In other Council business -- and widely considered to be an attempt by Mayor Summers to keep Mavis from tearing apart Paul Travis for making a remark that this reporter couldn't quite hear; but presumably a comment about the food -- Mayor Summers commended John Black for planting Dahlias in the blue junker in his front yard -- John's, not Mayor Summers -- "thus turning a liability into an asset," said Summers..
"Tweren't nuthin," said Black, whose supposed poverty is well known among these parts. "Just that Dahlia seeds are cheaper'n a tow truck." His neighbor, Diane Smith, Smith's Hardware Store owner, confided in me that some Dahlia's were missing in her side garden and she had wondered where they went. Attention was paid to the formation of the River Creek Zoo. Ava James, Village Treasurer, made the comment that if we couldn't afford to fix the streets, we surely couldn't afford a zoo. The Zoo presently consists of two robins, a squirrel that Mayor Summer's boy caught last summer, and some of Joe James Anders' chicken stock (of Anders General Store), mostly old layers which he claims are too tough to eat. .
Councilman Weatherall made the comment that he liked chicken and that he sure wished he had some right now! He was suppressed by his neighbor at the table, Councilman Nelson, by way of knocking him off his chair and pouring ice water on his face. Mayor Summers declared the last action out of order, but did not dispute Weatherall's comment..
With no new business at this time, the Village council broke the meeting for supper, which just had been delivered at their table. All enjoyed their repast, with the exception on Hiram Weatherall, whose supper was packaged. Weatherall was taken home to be poured into bed. This reporter testifies that the chicken was mighty good..
Copyright by Lorraine Anderson, 1996-1998