by Lorraine Anderson

River Creek--Four/fifths of the River Creek Council was shocked to receive the news report of the spontaneous combustion of Kelloggs Brand Pop Tarts.  "My God," Hiram Weatherall was heard to say.  "If you can't trust the all-American Pop Tart not to hurt you, what can you trust?"  Upon discussion, the River Creek Council dropped a moratorium on Pop-Tarts in the Village of River Creek, citing safety and pollution concerns.  LaKiesha Andrews was the sole dissenter, pointing out that the Council was basing their facts on the opinion of a nationally known humorist, a Mr. Dave Barry.  Lazarus Nelson responded that he didn't care what Mr. Barry's background had been, but he should be commended by the President for pointing out a health hazard.

     LaKiesha Andrews pointed out in a snide voice that if that were the case, that they better ban Roller Skating Barbies, too, Mr. Barry having pointed out the dangers of the doll.  Hiram Weatherall argued that the only Barbie he knew was Mrs. Barbie Webster, 95 years old, and he was positive that she didn't roller skate.  Lazarus Nelson disputed this claim, saying that he had seen Mrs. Webster on in-line skates in the past couple of days.  In fact, he believed she had been accompanied by her 100 year old husband, Hal.  This reporter verifies Mr. Nelson's claim, and this reporter believes they make an awfully cute couple in their matching knee pads.

     Mayor Summers reports that the repairs on the River Creek Village Hall are coming along famously.  He commended Police Chief and Fire Fighter Samuel Andrews for putting out the conflagration by himself.  He also chided our Volunteer Fire Force for ignoring the siren.  One Fire Fighter, whose name shall not be reported here, pointed out that he could not tell the difference between the noon siren and the Fire Siren, since the fire was reported at noon.  His comments were ignored.  Another Fire Fighter claimed that he was afraid of fire, and thus should be held blameless.  The other two offered no excuses, but this reporter knows that they were involved in an engrossing game of checkers at the time.  This reporter was observing them.

     Rafe Johnson reports that the shortage of lumber makes the repair job difficult, but that he thanks all of the children in town for the temporary use of their wooden blocks.  He claims that the Western Spotted Owl crisis makes lumber buying difficult.  The owls have been observed guarding their territory with Illegal Assault Weapons.  (However, a spokesman for the Spotted Owl notes that the Assault Weapon Ban only applies to humans;  therefore Owls can buy and use the Weapons.  The President of these United States, W. Clinton, has been seen grinding his teeth at this latest development.  "They must be Republican," he says.)

     In other news:

     Joanne Nelson was noted wearing a new dress; Hiram Weatherall was wearing a new cravat; and John Black was wearing a new pair of dirty overalls.  This reporter was wearing new underwear; but, quite frankly, that is none of your business.