News Snippets

 

River Creek--Prejudice reared its ugly, hairy, stinky head last afternoon when a large cross was placed on the front yard of the family of the Tepes family on Chamberlain drive.  The Tepes family, who are of Vampiric ancestry, noticed the cross when they arose for the evening.  The River Creek police were called for assistance to remove the cross, as none of the family were able to touch it without serious injury.  The father, Vlad Tepes, was reported to be biting mad, and made a blood vow on his home soil that the head of his clan, Dracul, would hear about this, and appropriate steps would be taken. 

     In related news, the parishioners of The Church were startled to find the huge cross on the front of The Church building missing.  Pastor Robert April noted that perhaps the cross found on Mr. Tepes property was theirs.  The cross was brought, but it did not fit.  Pastor April said they would take it and be glad, nevertheless.  He noted that one man's burden may be another man's cross.  He tried to shed suspicion on Rafe Johnson, Johnson Lumber Yard owner, but was soundly ignored.  Pastor April, otherwise a good man, is widely known to be feuding with Rafe, for reasons unknown to this reporter.

     In related news, the ladies of The Church invite all to their golf outing at the Country Club.  The men of The Church will be having a bake sale at the same time, so come out, have a lot of cookies, and golf them off, all on the same day.  Door prizes, such as miniature crosses, will be offered.  The competition is liable to be lively and fierce.

     In related news, Jay Hagman reports that his tabby cat, Timmy, has come home.  Timmy's first action was to bite Jay's thumb, after which he rubbed against Jay's leg.  After investigation of said cat, Jay noted a tatoo which said "Property of the U.S. Government."  Jay plans to complain to said agency.  He believes that the Federal Government has no right to kidnap cats simply because they only have four legs instead of the normal five.  "It ain't right!" he says.

     In related news, Lazarus Nelson reports that one of the record salmon that he pulled from the pothole in front of his house bit him on his little finger.  He took revenge by eating the salmon.  He reports that the vicious thing was delicious.

     In related news, the Anklebiter Preschool will be presenting Shakespeare's MacBeth on Saturday.  Teacher Ann Jacobs says that the children are quite excited to be doing a play of this scope.  She says that Little Beth Cole's rendition of Lady MacBeth is quite thrilling, as she lisps the lines:  "Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard?  What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt?"  Jacobs also says that because of her charge's tender ages, some lines have been changed, for example "Out, you silly spot!  Out, I say!"  She hopes the changes will be acceptable to parents.

     In related news, Barnabas George Bixby, owner of BGB Bowling lanes, reports that he's trying an innovative concept in bowling... bowling ball handles.  Each side of the ball will have a two inch piece of pole stock.  Bixby reports that scores have increased dramatically since adapting the new balls, but the ball return equipment is being torn to pieces.

     In related news, the River Creek High School Basketball team is trailing the league in triple D action.  Coach Peters was heard to say that maybe the team should start regularly scheduled practices, instead of just meditating and visualizing the games.  He now thinks maybe the physical practice is important, too.

     So do we.  Winning isn't everything, but a score greater than zero would be nice, also.